😂 55 Jokes That Will Make You Cry Laughing

Alright, buckle up. I’m not responsible for any beverages you spit on your screen, any abs you accidentally develop, or any concerned family members who come to check on you. These are the jokes that hit different — the ones where you laugh, stop, then laugh again even harder. Let’s go.

1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

2. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

3. I asked my mom what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.” So I got her nothing.

4. I said to my gym trainer, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

5. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. He lost his case.

6. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

7. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. But seriously, I’ve gained 40 pounds.

9. I asked the librarian if they had books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

10. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. Just like my ex.

Read: 50 dark humor jokes

Dark Humor Corner

11. My grief counselor died last week. He was so good at his job, I didn’t even care.

12. I told my doctor I kept hearing music. He said, “Don’t worry, you’re just getting good reception.” I said, “Doc, it’s always Baby Shark.” He referred me to a specialist and a priest.

13. I bought a dictionary and when I got home, I found all the pages were blank. I have no words for how angry I am.

14. My therapist told me I have trouble letting go of the past. We’ll see about that. I’ve been seeing her since 2006.

15. I told my boss I needed a day off because I was feeling under the weather. He said, “You seemed fine yesterday.” I said, “Yeah, I work fast.”

16. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay. You have my Word.

17. My wife said I needed to grow up. I was speechless. It’s hard to say anything when you have 39 gummy bears in your mouth.

18. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

19. My doctor told me I was going deaf. That was hard to hear.

20. Cemetery prices are getting ridiculous. It’s highway robbery, people are just dying to get in.

Read: Adult Jokes

The Relationship Disasters

21. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

22. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing.” Now she’s upset. Apparently, “nothing” and “socks” aren’t the same thing.

23. My wife said I never listen. Or something like that.

24. Wife: “I’m leaving you because you can’t stop referencing Jurassic Park.” Me: “After careful consideration, I’ve decided not to endorse your park.”

25. I called my wife beautiful today. She said, “You need glasses.” I said, “I have glasses. That’s how I know.”

26. My wife asked me why I speak so softly in the house. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed, Alexa laughed, we all laughed.

27. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Wait — I already said this one. I panicked and used it twice. That’s also a joke.

28. My wife told me I need to be more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car, ignored the map, and refused to apologize.

29. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

30. My wife and I have a code word for when I’m wrong. It’s “okay fine you’re right.” But she says it so fast, it sounds like “you idiot.”

Read: Beautiful Jokes To Tell A Girl That Will Make Her Smile

Big Brain Jokes (Think First, Laugh Later)

31. A photon checks into a hotel. The bellman asks, “Any luggage?” The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

32. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

33. I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

34. A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I JOIN you?”

35. How do you comfort a JavaScript developer? You console them.

36. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. Impossible to put down. I’ve been reading it for three years.

37. An atom loses an electron. It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion things.”

38. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein counts. Pascal hides. Newton draws a square on the ground and stands in it. Einstein opens his eyes and says “Newton! I found you!” Newton says, “I’m not Newton. I’m Pascal per square meter.”

39. I tried to write a joke about infinity. I couldn’t find the end.

40. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Read: 49 Romantic Jokes To Make Her Laugh

The Ones That Hurt So Good

41. My mom said, “You weren’t the easiest child to raise.” I said, “Well, you weren’t the easiest mom to train either.”

42. I asked my cat what 2 minus 2 is. He said nothing.

43. I went to a zoo and there was only one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

44. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m fine.

45. My friend told me he was going to audition for a play as a sarcastic person. I said, “Oh great, because THAT’s a skill that’s really hard to find.”

46. A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer. And a mop.

47. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.

48. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. His boss, however, never noticed.

49. I asked a French man if he played video games. He said, “Wii.”

50. I saw a man crying in the rain with no umbrella. I wanted to help, but I didn’t have one either. So I just stood next to him. We cried together. That’s friendship.

Read: Party Jokes

The Final Five

51. My parents said I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

52. I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. Been working on it since 2018.

53. I tried to organize a professional hide and seek tournament. It was a great idea — but good players are really hard to find.

54. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do we drive this thing?”

55. And finally — you made it to joke 55. The real joke? You’re going to send at least three of these to someone right now and pretend you thought of them yourself. I see you. Go ahead. I won’t tell.

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