😈 50 Dark Humor Jokes

Alright, listen. Before we begin — if you laughed at the Dark Humor section earlier and thought “I need MORE of that,” then congratulations, you are my kind of person. These jokes live in that beautiful, twisted place where your brain goes “that’s wrong” and your mouth goes “hahaha” at the exact same time. Don’t feel guilty. Laughter is laughter. Let’s dive into the darkness together.

The Soft Dark

1. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

2. My doctor told me I was going deaf. That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

3. I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m a dog. He told me to get off his couch.

4. My wife told me she wanted to feel special on her birthday. So I made her a cake in the shape of her. She cried. Apparently, accurate isn’t the same as special.

5. I asked my dad what it felt like to have such a disappointing son. He laughed. Then I laughed. Then the whole family laughed. It was a great Christmas dinner. Except for me.

6. My therapist said I need to work on my anger. I said “you first.” She ended our session early. I think I won.

7. I tried to write myself a motivational note this morning. It just said “really?”

8. Someone complimented my parking today. They left a little note on my windshield. It said “parking fine.” That was sweet.

9. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

10. I used to think I was indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. And honestly that terrifies me.

Read: Jokes That Will Make You Cry Laughing

No Turning Back Now

11. A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia and conspiracy. The librarian whispers, “They’re all around you.”

12. My granddad died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers.

13. I come from a family of failed magicians. My dad disappeared when I was six. My mom tried to saw herself in half. I have two half-sisters.

14. I told my doctor I hear music constantly in my head. He said, “What kind?” I said, “Funeral marches.” He said, “Don’t worry.” I said, “Easy for YOU to say.”

15. Cemetery prices have gotten completely out of hand. People are just dying to get in but can’t afford it anymore.

16. My wife said she wanted to feel butterflies again. So I buried her in the garden. The butterflies came. She did not appreciate this.

Read: Adult Jokes

17. I asked my friend how he was doing after his accident. He said, “I can’t complain.” I said, “Because you’ve accepted it?” He said, “Because my jaw is wired shut.”

18. I visited my uncle in the hospital. He kept saying “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.” What a comedian. We all laughed. The doctors less so.

19. My father always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” He died at 37. Rest in peace, Dad. You were so close.

20. I asked the funeral director if he could make my mother look natural. He said, “I’ll do my best.” I said, “She never smiled in real life, so we’re off to a great start.”

Read: Jokes To Tell A Girl That Will Make Her Smile

You’ve Been Warned

21. My wife and I decided we don’t want children. If anyone does, please drop them off by 7pm. We close at 8.

22. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the city zoo.

23. I told my son, “You were an accident.” He said, “I know.” I said, “No — literally. You knocked over my coffee and I tripped and here we are.”

24. My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am. Can you believe it? Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.

25. I was digging in the garden and found a box of old coins. I ran inside to tell my wife. She said, “This could be the treasure my grandfather hid before he died!” I said, “You mean the grandfather who told everyone where the treasure was?” Long pause. “Yes.”

26. My friend said he wanted to die doing what he loved. He was a runner. He died on the treadmill. The machine kept going for 45 minutes before anyone noticed. Dedication.

27. My therapist told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

28. A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor replied, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

29. I tried to start a support group for people who talk too much. Nobody else got a chance to speak. I shut it down. I won.

30. I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He said, “I’m leaving to get milk.” It’s been 22 years. Still pretty good delivery.

Read: Romantic Jokes To Make Her Laugh

Too Late, We’re Here

31. My wife has been missing for a week. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop and got her clothes back.

32. I was at a funeral recently and the widow asked if I’d say a word. I stood up and said, “Plethora.” She said, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

33. I told the doctor, “It hurts when I do this.” He said, “Then stop doing that.” I said, “That’s not very helpful.” He charged me $300. I should’ve listened.

34. Someone keyed my car and wrote “I wish your car was as clean as your conscience.” I have no idea what that means. My conscience is filthy.

35. My doctor told me I only have 12 months to live. I disagreed with his bill. He gave me another 12 months.

36. I told my friend his eyebrows were drawn too high. He looked permanently surprised. He said he wasn’t doing it on purpose. I didn’t believe him. Still don’t.

37. My life coach told me to find my passion. I found it. Turns out it’s napping. She said that wasn’t what she meant. I fired her. Best nap of my life followed.

38. I got a job at a library but I was fired on the first day. Apparently, when someone asks for a dramatic reading, you’re not supposed to do the voices THAT dramatically.

39. I told my son, “You can be anything you want.” He said, “I want to be a disappointment.” I said, “Son, you’re already halfway there. I’m so proud.”

40. My wife left a note saying, “I’m leaving you. Don’t bother finding me.” I didn’t bother. Three years later, she found me. Honestly, I thought I won.

Read: Party Jokes

Darkest of All

41. I told my doctor I’d been feeling invisible lately. He said, “Next!”

42. My aunt was addicted to brake fluid. She said she could stop any time she wanted.

43. I found a support group for people who can’t stop lying. I haven’t actually been. But I tell everyone I have.

44. I asked my wife if she’d still love me if I had nothing. She said, “I love you now, don’t I?” That answered way too many questions.

45. My boss said I intimidate my coworkers. I just stared at him until he apologized.

46. I bought myself a new boomerang. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep throwing away my problems but they keep coming back.

47. My friend told me he was going to become an archaeologist. I told him his career was in ruins before it started.

48. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60. She’s 97 now. We have no idea where she is.

49. I told my doctor I felt like nobody ever listens to me. He said, “Next!” Again.

50. And finally — the darkest joke of all. You laughed at every single one of these. You didn’t feel bad for a second. You’re already planning to send number 31 to your group chat. And the worst part? I’m proud of you for it. We’re the same, you and I. 😈